flustrated

Its a word I apparently made up... flustrated. A combination of flustered and frustrated. But when I use it, it is always an inappropriate time to correct me on my verbage, lol.

I am at work, and I have done my work, and have passed it along for review and approval, and yes I know that I am new and adding to the work load (a tiny bit may I add) and I do not get back what I put in. I simply do not know what to do in this working world that is so upside down and backwards from the rest of the world.

I do good work, they are happy with it, but do they do anything with that good work. Not that I have seen. I have made minimal changes to marketing work over the past two weeks, with little to no progress made it actually utilizing it.

I understand there are other projects, currently bringing in money and that they are a priority and need to have attention spent on them where it is due. However, if you hire me on to do something new, you have to give it some time of the day, and not after weeks and weeks of nods of approval and oks. I am a new hire, new to the working world. Yes I am self motivated, but I need reassurance and support. If I wanted a job that relied on not working with anyone else or not needing support from anyone, well I wouldn't be doing this, thats for sure.

This is really the first time I am so upset about the situation that I almost want to just leave and say, when I have some work to do, call me and I'll come back. I am simply waitting on others. And have been for nearly a week. The only thing that keeps me here, wondering about teh computer is the fact that there are bills to pay and I have to be here in order to get paid to pay those bills, and he agreed to pay me. So I stay... Id rather be productive. I guess its motivation to find another job, a job that has a lot for me to do. Yet I wonder, is it like this everywhere...

there are nice people, its a beautiful place, but I am not "doing" anything, I know it might take a while to get a project I really want to do, but until then, what do you do?

Enough for now, at least this weekend shall provide some entertainment. I will be partaking in a beer festival HOPS for Humboldt on Saturday and then Sunday am volunteering (pouring beer and wine, got to love volunteering) at an organic planet festival that should be fun, providing the sun decides to show up and its not all foggy... so til the weekend...

I just don't want to waste any time in my life not making a difference and doing things... I am just taking up space and using things if I do not give back... and gosh darn it, for some reason I am not one of those people that can be happy that way.

work, north coast, a brew, a few good friends

I have come to realize that I am happy. I may not be living a crazy "post college" life, but I am content. I have goals and dreams and know that I just have to stay focused to reach those things, but that I can do it, and even though I am on "rock ground" with work and life... i am starting to realize many people are, especially right now. And that as long as I keep chugging along right now, I will be just fine.
In other news, I am moved in.. its a little odd of a living situation, but it is working out well for me, which is all that matters. It is like living at home, but not, and being cozy and comfy and relaxed when I am there. I will have to take pictures... I am going to fix my computer after the next paycheck... beginning of September mac book should be back in full swing! so excited, it will be nice to just do my "surfing" of randomness again, laying in my bed, or just around the couch, with my cup of coffee from the espresso machine that sits on the kitchen counter.

I am starting to settle with the idea of not knowing being ok... which is a pretty big accomplishment for the "planner" that I am. It is kinda refreshing actually, because I simply am enjoying the moments for the moments that they are, and not having to worry about much more, I have more appreciation for small things and I love it. Or maybe that is the north coast culture settling in.

College is back in session, students are in town, something interesting to me, since its a college town, i feel I fit right in, but then its not my college town, and I am not a college student anymore (well I am a part time student at the Community College, but that doesn't count) but its fun, and nice and relaxing...

life is good, its not great, i am not making millions or changing the world just yet, but I am on my way somewhere and its going to be a great ride, and I will always love this part of the world/state. there is beauty all around.

Just a quick picture

Not much time to talk today, but my mom finally sent me this picture of me and a t-shirt quilt I made for a friend out of her shirts from college.

people are baffling, and a pain

Sometimes I think I am just the crazy one. I simply want to be a good person, go about my day, pay my bills, do my job, and maybe take a few minutes for myself. Is that really that hard to ask for and deserve.
I have now talked to Wells Fargo every morning this week b/c I deposited a check I later found out had a stop payment on.... and I have woken up to a large negative balance ever day this week due to it. Yet thankfulyl Wells Fargo customer service is polite and very helpful in the morning.... but still, people this is ridiculous, if you owe me money you can't stop payment on a $600 check.... I know have to reverse overdraft fees and still maintain my bank account and credit... and its not my fault at all, the money is rightfully mine, but I can't get at it, and its costing me my sanity.
Other then that, life is getting better, 1 more move and I will be settled in "my room" and "home" up here, 3 weeks... can not wait, it can not come soon enough.
Starting to train for a 1/2 marathon, and doing bikram yoga on a regular basis, and try and calm myself down more, since apparently I over react and take things (like the above mentioned check) too personally (excuse me, its 600 dollars you have that belongs to me, I am going to take that personally).

Also as you move through life, you lose friends, find new ones, and learn its part of life, and some people are not going to be able to keep in contact. Some people will grow with you, and you will stay friends, and its hard to say you can't do it anymore with some that just seem to go down a different path and you don't see eye to eye with anymore... its tough, especially when once upon a time they were the only one that was 100% on the same thought process as you, and now seems 180 degrees opposite... I guess thats all you can do, huh?

No worries. I got back to all my clothes finally today, its amazing how exciting it is after 3 weeks of living out of one suitcase to be able to expand to 3, lol, and soon I will be able to hang things up, unpack, live normally... can't wait.... and i'll finally take pictures of the shoes and such.... and post them, just have to get my life back together a bit and things will become normal again

Trust your gut, say thank you, and smile

So, the sun is shining, its a beautiful day, and I have the self confidence and trust in myself that I am capable of making decisions best when I throw myself at something, a project, a relationship, anything really..... I will always try and plan for the best, the worst, and any path that might break off of those, that is me and my personality.... to over plan.

- I am so thankful for the people I am surrounded by, even through my phone, so thankful. I have friends that let me go, trusting me to fall on my face and will be there to pick me up if things don't' work out, but that will be there to support me no matter what. I have this wonderful wonderful family around me that I have developed without me even knowing what was going on at the time.
I guess that is one of the side benefits of college and being involved with organizations, you build your "chosen" family out of it, even if i didn't pick them when I first met them (most of them I didn't right off the bat) they picked me, we picked each other to support, even when our lives are crazy and hectic, I am blessed to have people that will drop everything to help me, a party night out, a date, homework, to support me... Amazing...

You sometimes overlook some of the best friends you have out there. Some you know, you hang out with them all the time, are constently in touch with them. Others you realize in the most subtle, desparete, and negative moments of your life, they are the random ones that pick you up and carry you when you never expect it.
They sit by and let you break down, holding you tight, letting you know that it will all be ok,, that you can be weak and they can relate, that its ok not to be happy and show it.
These are the ones you hope you realize are the best friends you could never ask for, before they slip away. They pick you up when you're downand carry you when you are weak... and when you realize the value between the two of you, you can build off of that and recongize how wonderful people can be.

On another note, I have been trying to work on different aspects of myself and truly making a difference in the lives of people I encounter, weather it is my family, friends, co-worker or someone I pass on the street, or the checker at the store. I am making this attempt to try and connect and make their day better, even if it is simply by smiling at them, saying hello, asking them sincerely how their day is going, it is really amazing how much people appreciate someone trying to actually acknowledge them, rather then just gain something from them. Our world has become this system of encountering so many people a day, but not really truly connecting with them.

I also am working on saying thank you, sincerely, to people that have made me a better person, writing thank you letters to teachers that took time to help me, influence me to think bigger, more critically, and open my eyes to topics and interests I would otherwise surpass. Little acts of kindness.... they go a long way, and they give me a feel good feeling inside. It is a free, simple, easy, quick thing that I wish more people could incorporate into their lives, the world wouldn't feel so cold.

In other news, I apparently forgot my fleece, its a staple "fashion" item of the North Coast, what was I thinking, lol... got to get on that

Running is going well, I feel better, more toned and I do everything better when I work out... go figure, I work better, sleep better, and am more calm and relaxed with life in general. Maybe its the fresh air up here, who knows. I am looking into the Bikram yoga center up here, so glad they have one, maybe alternating with that and running, would be good for me in so many ways.

And I think I have figured out my living situation, it is going to take a little bit of jumping around for the next month, but its affordable and the time table says that it should work out pretty well. and it is another living example of "its who you know, not what you know". I am going to stay at a friends house that is out of the country right now, move her furniture and stuff in and then will be able to move into the "permanent" living situation here in Arcata a few days before she returns from South America. I need to work out a good thank you for Tami, my co-working for letting me stay at her place while I figure this all out and so that I could start working. And a thank you for Cheryl, the office manager, for finding me the cheap furnished, no deposit room from a friend, and to Bob for asking if anyone could let me stay at their place, and Carly for letting me living in her room she hasn't even seen yet b/c she is abroad. such kinda and wonderful people around me.... "every little thing is going to be alright"

Have a wonderful day, and Smile, its good for you!

Settled, kind of...

So I have finally made it to Arcata, finally decided on at least a "temp" job. Now I just need to find a place to actually live so that all my stuff can make it out of my car. I luckly have a very sweet co-worker that is allowing me to stay at her house until I find a place (meaning I can avoid crashing at the ex's house). Hopefully monday will be promising with a place very near work.

Work is off to a good start, Im already writting up a grant (need to finish it in a week or so, haha, no big deal right?!) to try and find funding for a sustainability plan (aka- work for me). It is excitting to be trying to help develop a division of a company, its hard when they do work with cities and those cities have no money... makes for an interesting company prediciment.

I miss people.... I am doing fine as far as work and stability in my life, however it is slowly kicking in, as I am sure that this weekend will key in on, that I am not right around the corner from about 300 people that I know... give or take a few ; ) and that I am going to have to figure out this, find and make friends thing. I am working towards other job options if this one only lasts the 3 months, but also realizing I need to work my little butt off (ok not so little) to try and insure that I can stay here and still have work and income if I can't find work elsewhere... and count my blessings that I am working a full time job for the time being using the degree I earned.

ps- wearing one pair of the new shoes today.... pictures to come, I had a rough week a bit ago and the laptop screen shattered, so we are back to no pictures for awhile... oh well. life goes on and its a good thing I sit in front of a computer 40 hours a week now.

what 24 hours or a few weeks will do to ones plans

It is amazing how much can change in a matter of weeks. So I am no longer going to San Jose. I decided moving home and saving money would be better use of my time and better for my well being then going to San Jose to count trees. So that was the plan....

So I graduated! It was awesome, a little bit sad, a little bit exciting, and I sit here with a lot of disbelief that its over... I mean there is always Grad school.... eventually right? So I hung out for a few days, celebrated, went to six flags with a few people, had a great time. Everyone is starting to pack up and disappear, a little spooky to say the least. 

I know I will keep in touch with them all, I have always been good at keeping up with people farther away... 

I came home on thursday to visit with the grandparents, since they were still out here from graduation. I brought half of my stuff down with me, to move home. While I have been here I have been applying for more planning jobs in the bay area, since that is were i want to end up. However its all ones that have been posted online, and I feel like there are so few people that actually gain a job that way, especially in a job market this way. But none the less I continue, cant hurt to try. 

Monday I went out and was applying for serving jobs, so that possiably I can come back next week and have a job lined up. Come home, and find an email (side note, I finally sat down and wrote my internship company back letting them know my update and that I have decided to move home to find something permanent closer to a larger city) from Bob Brown (boss at streamline) congratulating me at graduating and letting me know he would like to offer me 3 months of work (full time) with a pay raise off last summers, to help develop an energy planning division, with the option to look for full time work elsewhere while doing it. And if it works and takes off and the division is found to be profitable and sustained, I could be up for a pay increase and continued employment. The man wants to help me out as much as he can... 

I had to sleep on it, I had just settled down with the idea that I was going to be moving home and living with my parents working a service job until i found something, whenever that was.... and now, I'm heading back up , 5 hours north of SF to a beautiful place I am a little nervous to return to.

Honestly I realized that I need to just do what is best for me, and that best right now is to jump in feet first, if i run into the boy, I turn around and run the other way, oh be stuck in my tracks and figure out what to do from there.... but that should not stop me from forwarding my career and resume experience.... I am a big girl, lol..

In other news, I am absolutely not allowed to buy any more shoes, I am going back with 4 new pairs.... thats right ladies and gentlemen, 4 pairs.... never ever let me near a burlington coat factory... I never knew they had shoes, let alone ones on sale, and nice ones too... I ended up with a pair of black flats (needed desperately for months now) for $14.99.... a pair of nine west black pumps for 18.99 (my pumps have seen their days past) and then I bought a pair of purple snake pattern stilettos on monday (without my mothers knowledge, shed kill me if she knew about that pair, totally impractical and just plan hot and a have to have) for 19.99.... and then I walked into some other store... saying it was a bad idea with my mom and sister to look at purses for my sister... (little did i know it was a giant shoes store with a few purses!!! they are terriable!) and walked out with some green round toed pumps from Chinese Laundry, so comfy! 

I will post pictures when I get home, I apparently left my camera in San Luis.... 

Also cute khakis, a kelly green tank, a turquoise blue short sleeve plaid shirt, levi shorts (always clutch in the fit department with levi's) an adorable jacket and a wonderful black skirt... all on sale of course in my mothers fashion... my mom wouldn't support my shoe habit, but clothes she was alright with if on sale... got to love being home a little bit....

And I finally got to go thrift store shopping (all of the above is sale rack shopping of course, I am with my mother after all) Found a wonderful jean jacket that fits me perfectly, it was the splurge at $10 but totally amazing and worth it. Also I picked up a nice purple sweater shirt that you layer over a tank, and a teal short sleeve sweater and just a plan white T that was like 2.50 and looked as if it had been more maybe once... 

I love thrift store deals when you walk out with 4 new pieces for less them 25 bucks..

Oh and new silver bangle for my left arm, (from kohls) the older one was getting pretty shabby, and i found one I liked and that was small enough to stay on my wrist... pictures coming as well!

So I got my shopping fix in for a little while. lol.

Meanwhile I am trying to figure out a way to move my cat to my parents house if I can not take her to Arcata with me, many of the ad's say no cats : ( so I am trying to find her a 3 month home in slo or a ride to Murrieta to my parents house, or close by so she can get picked up and taken care of by my family til I can afford a place she can live at or I  move back home...  

So ladies and gentlmen I will be moving to Arcata with my shoe collection that is proably a little over the top for humboldt county, and not living at home out of college, at least not quite yet.... guess I got what I asked for... knock on wood... 

Til I get back to the camera! Hope you summer seasons are going well and you are soaking up the rays, safely of course!