Happy Halloween!!!

So I jumped the gun and we went out last night, I pulled off making red riding hoods cape yesterday. Which is lined in fleece and was the most excellent idea of a windy evening that had chances of rain...

I did ditch the basket for my brown purse, since logistically I have done the box shaped costumes, the accessory costumes and they just get in the way...  I am pretty happy with my hood, a little assistance in the gathering around the neck, and it was done in a few hours (a few interruptions of mother phone calls about bridesmaid dresses for my sisters wedding occurred).

After a day full of helping a friend out weeding and yard work I rushed home, showered and changed and met up with these two... who also had exciting costumes made by Kristen herself... I was soo happy when I got word they would be back in town for halloween!!!! and as a huge fan of home made costumes, I loved it. Although honestly I couldn't take anything Tyler said seriously with his costume on... 

This girl is great, and we had a silly fun time bouncing between the few dive bars in Arcata and grabbing a late night doughnut (seriously the best doughnuts in the world... no joke, although they might be laced with crack...) I was so glad to have her in town. 

Now, last year I was unaware of how big of a deal halloween is here in Humboldt County. For reference, any themed party I went to was, well, lacking in the creative and costume portion. Which for a girl that loves dress up, was highly disappointing and disheartening. Assuming that halloween was the same I threw together a Raver costume (courtesy  of living with some extreme ravers for a year in college I knew all the details) headed down to the plaza... boy was I wrong, apparently everyone saves all their creative juices for halloween... so this year at least making a red riding hood cape I was putting some effort in. Although I was shocked the plaza wasn't crawling with the -21 crowd like last year, I think the entire police department was camped out. Maybe people will go out tonight. Either way, in the bars there was some great costumes, here are a few pictures document the evening...

did you go out? any winning costume sightings? 

First winner of the night, 2 girls dressed up as hunters in the jungle or something, this on their jackets...

L-O-V-E - ed it... 

Next there was a few animal costumes, but this one, was, no pun intended (ok maybe a lil) a head above the rest ; ).

Home made giraffe that had some interest techniques for getting through doorways... and was pretty comical to watch in the black and white tv that showed the out back area, between the lawn gnome and the giraffe it was hysterical.

We ended up hanging out with a fe other people through out the night, but heres is a brief overview of the debaucher that unfolded as the intoxication went up....

Oh and Wall-E and Ava got a shot of Jameson from the one bartender, Seth, who was so stoked and giggling at how awesome Wall-E was... (he was a large mexican bartender, who reminds me of my friend Jose so much, both bartenders, both LA/Hollywood-esk and just funny good guys)

Wheels started to fall off...

We started to get sticker-ed up without knowing!

Then the wheels just down right fell off....

After navigating an unbalanced Wall-E turning in circles thanks to only having one wheel, we navigated to doughnuts, water, sat on the plaza to people watch for a few seconds til we froze, and then headed to our cars and home to warm beds, an excellent halloween if I do say so myself...

Now I just get off to run 6 miles with Ms. Kristen herself, I am thinking of showing up as an 80's workout chick, just in the spirit of halloween, I will take pictures if I get a chance...  Did I mention I like dressing up??

Here comes the rain again

Its happened, I know I brought out the red coat a week or so back, but fall/winter is here and alive. The pacific storms are rolling in and promises of snow dance in my head.. but for now... the rain is coming...

Its fridged, and dark, and the time needs to change, b/c I am getting that mood adjustment that comes with the rain, mostly in the mornings, b/c once I get out of that warm abode I can move forward. Once I manage to lift myself from the warmth, I proceed to stand in front of my closet and stare, I am taking dead stare... there is nothing in there that I want to wear, even the staple go to outfits don't do it, the ones I always get compliments on, that just work, yeah, even those don't cut it. Thankful (for once, remember it, because it might not be mentioned ever again) my job is pretty relaxed dress code wise, and jeans are at least on one, if not the majority of people, on a daily basis. Today was one of those jeans and a t-shirt days, basic, classic, comfortable.

I haven't worn this sweater vest since probably last winter, and I figured it would be great, I actually missed grabbing one at the clothing swap that was in a sea foam color, someone nabbed it before I saw it... oh well, I like my navy one.

Its sorta a circle vest, a little funky, kind of unique, subtle and is all this outfit has going for it. Sorry for the non-exciting outfits, but it is what it is, I am sure once I get comfortable with the chill in the air, I will start to rework winter clothes to make cute outfits, just need a few more days to get settled. Oh, but I guess an exciting bit is that these jeans are from the swap, and although not hot or doing much for my body, they are the kind of jeans you put on because they just fit and you are stoked they are comfortable, and they got to my closet that way... feels like I have had them for years...

t-shirt - target

sweater - thrift

jeans - clothing swap

penny loafers - target

I am trying hard to conquer winter/rain wear, but I have spent the majority of my life since I was responsible for my clothing choices in warm or temperate locations, so this whole rain, cold thing, is fairly new and somewhat daunting. There is no really cute over warmth, its got to be warm, and then cute can possibly follow. Other bloggers do it that live in far colder and brutal weather, so I will just have to stay in tune and see how they do it... I do own a few pair of boots, and only one pair of flip flops now, so I must be getting adjusted.

In other news, I am in my off season for running, and thank goodness, considering the weather (I am a baby when it comes to water, I'll admit it). It is leaving me toying with how to tackle working out and staying in shape during this time other then trips to mountains, which at this point seem to be spreading far and wide, between Bachelor, Tahoe, and possibly Mammoth, I am excited. Maybe I should go back to bikram yoga for a few months, that's always a good tough workout and would probably do wonders for next running season, and I would get my dose of warmth in too...


any other ideas? What do you do when the rain scares you away from the outdoor activities?

shpeal III - wrapping up

Alright, after some thought and calming texts and conversation from a few friends that have the crazies in their heads like mine.. the ones I don't have to explain it to, just get it, and thus listen and tell me to calm down, breathe, and stop over planning and over thinking, I can say its not going away (all those thoughts and wonders and worries) but that I am not alone, its a growing process, and I have just got to take one step in front of the other, I can still guard the heart, but what is the shame in trying and seeing, but making sure I am first, and making sure, unlike my past relationships, make sure I am not the only one invested.

Sound good advice, sounds like something I would tell them... hmmm, yeah, that sounds about right too. Thats what good friends are for, to tell you what you already know.

I know relationship are tough, and successful ones are coming farther between in society today, but there is no reason to not let someone come see where I live and get to know them. You meet all people for a reason, some are there to give you the advice you know, some are there for you to give advice to, some are there to bring you up when you are down, some are just there to make you smile and keep you company along this journey of life...

I can not let what happen to me before stop something from happening again in the future, I will never have all the control, nor do I want it, but I need to be willing to be comfortable with having some control too, not wanting to give it all to someone else. I know this won't be the last time I freak out and babble on about this, although I will probably leave it out of the blog-land.

Man you would think I would know all this before I was 24 1/2... of course when I re-read it, I did know all of that, but for some reason knowing things and applying them are completely different and totally independent sometimes. 

Hopefully this has not been a daunting conversation for you, and if it has, well I apologize, I will get back to outfits shortly and boy are there some exciting pieces to be shown! I still haven't shown you anything from clothing swap have I??! most of it hasn't been new trendy fashion-y, more comfy warm things for impeding winter weather, but I will share again, promise! And I really need to get on this Halloween costume thing.. sinces its in like 2 days!

What are you planning to be dressed up as?

I need ideas as it is a pretty big deal in Arcata... if you are down south, its like Santa Barbara but in town square instead of down a road.. gets a little crazy, but killer costumes!

Heathers relationship shpeal Part II

If you are still at all interested in my relationship-life, or lack there of... this is Part II of the shpeal...

Another point I have leaned on while being in Arcata and single and not particularly looking here, is that I am not happy with where I am at geographically, so I do not see the point in trying to find or start a relationship in a place I am not happy in solo, and starting a relationship in a place I do not want to be, does not seem to be a great plan to me, to dependent for my own happiness on a relationship,

Is this logical?

Also, after the last long distance disaster, I have been very very hesitant to even think of doing anything long distance, especially with no determination of what I want to do and where I want to go.

I have been so unsettled geographically, that I just decided when I moved up here that temporarily love would just been on the back burner. I have wonderful people around me that have supported me and be ever encouraging that I am doing the right thing being where I am now (career and life wise).

But lets get real, I am in my mid twenties (wow, mid twenties, damn it I don't know when I got old), single, and told by many of my friends, a great person that, if they where a guy, or a lesbian, would date and marry me in a heartbeat... unfortunately that isn't even remotely realistic.

So really being located in a place that lacks in the remotely good looking, motivated, and determined men category (yes, I am executing a broad generalization knowingly, and you can't fight me on it until you come see for yourself).

Feel free to skip the next italicized part if you know my struggle with work here, otherwise it might be some little insight help...

I am here in Arcata for work experience, I am further my resume to get to a place I want to be in life, and considering the economic state of the state, and country, I am thankful for work in the field straight out of college and have no room to bitch and complain about (although I do). I am not here because this is where I really wanted to be post college, its because I am biting the bullet and getting down and dirty for the betterment of myself... or something like that, it is what I remind myself almost daily. I know I need to set an end date, and honestly I feel like the "safe date" to pick is my birthday, for so many reasons (other then weather) it make sense. I want it to be sooner, but it scares me, anything sooner seems too soon, although I am just extending the stay through miserable weather by doing that... enough about my professional life interrupting my relationship life, although a key detail, not an excuse, back to the story of my terrified-ness.

That being said, that is a very very long time to go, in your prime, without really dating or trying and learning from relationships (roughly 2 years). I know this, and I am not one to just be in a relationship to be in one, I really am fine alone, I know I can do it, I have done it a lot. I have had minor success at being friendly and flirtatious once I have a drink or two in me, and honestly the only kissing I have done in the 2 years of anyone, has involved more then a drink or two... which hey, happens, I know that, but to be the only time I get comfortable enough in my own skin to have a real engaging discussion with someone I don't know that I am attracted to, and to be brave enough myself to go in for a kiss... that to me seems like something a 24 1/2 year old should have conquered, NO? When I do go out for a crazy night (which really haven't been planned, a whole nother multi post discussion probably, I blame the Irish in me) or go visit friends in a City I tend to be the radiant wonderful, exciting, intriguing Heather I am and love being. I know there is probably some psychological doing that makes this happen, that if you are happy, people want to be around you, and I am happy when I am anywhere but here, especially in a larger city, or at least talking to someone from a larger city, where I want to be, a long distance person.

The two times this has happened in the last two years, in different context and degrees, this had lead to polite text streams of conversation the next day and the next few weeks and months in the way of I want to see you again, giving me the control, the control I have so well avoided to this point in my life, to invite them to come see me. I have pretty much shot it down in the past,  freaking out "why would someone travel that f-ing far to see me" that just doesn't make sense thoughts in my head (which gets back to self worth, value, blah blah blah) but really... if they want to travel here, I suppose I should let him and stop thinking and just enjoy, right???....

Now, this has only really happened twice ever, but both in the past 2 years, in different ways and context (although similar with alcohol being involved) and with many many varying details as well (actually the only similarities are that I was being bought many drinks I did not deny, they gave me a peck, I went for another, exchange numbers and a I would like to see you again at some point... similarities end there, and vary within degrees as well)

But the point is that I realize and know that I am very resistant as a person to letting anyone any, especially people I do not know well, and especially people that do not live in the county as me, is that fair?

This more recent encounter I am trying to not run from, to not shut down, to at least be open to the idea of just enjoying company and that, heaven forbid, someone is highly interested in me and possible put forth more effort then I am at the moment. (I know that sounds ridiculous, and I swear I have self confidence).

I am trying to face myself, so many people don't, and I am really hoping that figuring myself out (on all levels) will make me a happier person overall. It made me realize something about my self (which is always a good thing) that I already knew but didn't see/want to admit, I am a runner, in more then just the work out kind of runner, I am Irish, I challenge everything, work hard, am very competitive, and I don't talk about things when they bother me much and I kinda shut the world out when I am sad, its who I am, and the fact that I am learning more and more it is genetic in one way or another, gives me some assurance, but its still something I want to overcome, and need to overcome to some extent. I can't always run, and running doesn't solve everything always.

Have you had this same epiphany before? Is it just me?

I don't even know if what all I am talking about is the right way to phrase it, I am not so graceful with my writing and words as some, which has been the reason I stick to broad topics mostly and not things like relationship, b/c well, I don't want what I say to be mis-construed, such as the above touchy topic, but this is a blog I started to be honest, to document, to be able to just throw my thoughts out there, and to be able to reflect on later, maybe others would want to read it, give me advice, maybe no one and I would be with my thoughts alone... this is the crazy that happens in my head, so in today's state of mind I feel like sharing it and getting it out there, so it won't bother me anymore. This is my blog, and I am going to say what I want..

right? Do you write about everything bothering you on your blog?

I mean, I think everyone censors to a degree, I censor even these topics, but just approaching them like this is a big step for me.. hope I haven't scared you away with the craziness... I promise to wrap this up tomorrow.

more later, this is plenty enough heavy topic discussion..

heathers relationship shpeal

Some days you just have more to say then others.

Today (or rather yesterday, by the time this is actually posted) is/was one of them.

First things first before the shpeal takes over, wohoo underdog baseball teams for making it to the World Series, should be a fun thing to watch!

Now onto the womens brain mind boggle talk... 

Maybe it is long car trips, or just traveling to a new place, or truly pushing my body when it really did not want to go any more. Or meeting new people, meeting people that are interested to know you, and possibly that that person (or people sometimes) being male.

I do not talk much about my relationship life on here. Mostly because, well, it has been very non-existent the past year or two. Truth be told, I have not been in a relationship in nearly two years now.  Why, you ask, most people ask, it is not because I haven't been meeting people, or trying to meet people. Simply stated I am terrified (this is a hard pill to swallow, to admit your faults, but that is how you move forward right?).

I was hurt, pretty badly the last time I really let someone in to my life, and I was never actually apologized to. I was in a relationship with being in a relationship is how I come away with it, the other person was someone that didn't know how to be in a relationship, they wanted to know how, but didn't know how, and happen to be selfish enough to just take me along for the ride for a couple months before finally feeling guilty enough (or my true guess is having someone threaten to tell me, well I like to think that anyways) to tell me that it "wasn't working out" (I am being kind here, and you really don't want to know all the nitty gritty details).

After that I slowly put the pieces together that should have, and actually if we are brutally honest, did warn me, many months prior. After a relationship like that, I was exhausted. (I also was thankful distracted by focusing on getting ready to graduate and finish up senior and real life projects, opening the coffee shop at 5:30 am (part of my self-treatment was volunteering to open 4 days a week) as well as having pneumonia for 6 months). 

I have been busy, I have been trying to figure out me after that, rebuild myself, figure out what it is I want out of life, where I want to go, what I will stand for, and what I must have to be happy, in relationship, in love, in life, and to figure out why I let that relationship get the way it did, because the Heather I knew, would have walked away at the first sign, instead of letting it slide and turning a blind eye, believing the lies to my face. 

As a good Catholic Irish girl I was raised and taught how life worked, you grow up, do well in school, you are a good person, you will find a boy that respects and loves you (easy as cake of course), get married, get a house, have kids... and live happily ever after. Luckily I have figured out that this is not real life, and life includes a lot more a long the way to those things, if I really want all of those things at all. I really value that that is not how it all goes, but at moments I wish, as all 'little' big girls wish, that it was that easy sometimes...

sorry to break up the story, but this is long enough for one day of reading... more tomorrow.

Central Oregon, check!

Sorry for my absence, as I mentioned last week I was heading up to Portland for a half marathon and then over to Bend to check out Kristen's new place outside of Sun River. Quick trips to cities seem to becoming a habit I am forming, but its all that time will allow. Besides I think its for the best, as I might never leave these places if I truly had enough time to explore them fully.

Portland was wet and rainy, and the 1/2 marathon was quite a test of the pain tolerance, cold tolerance, and over all commitment to running well and completing what we signed up to do. I would not have finished had it not been for Kristen, I hit a wall early, but at mile 10 I honestly could have just stopped all together, dragging me behind her we even ran sub-9 minute miles for mile 12 and 13... and finished in 2:05, a very hard 2:05...

Then we proceeded to complain the rest of the day about it. Small words of accomplishment and making sure everyone with us knew that we could actually appreciate that we still did very well, but the pain and cold and 4 mile incline in the middle of the race, we will only be able to understand, no bitching and complaining will allow anyone to understand how badly it went, and how shocked we are that time wise it went so well... probably the longest 2 hours and 5 minutes we have ran yet... with that, it was great to run one with Kristen, it was great that we did it and did it together, and overall it was a good closure to our season... we didn't finish wanting anymore, and we finished fairly strong, leaving goals still to be conquered for next year (think sub 2 hours). Read a much better race review over here at Kristens blog.

We then took off from the race pretty much as soon as possible (unfortunately neither one of us where feeling up to any of the 2 free beers each we got for entering or the Papa Murphy's pizza or buffalo's chicken wings also part of our entrance fee) and headed out to Bend, OR to see Tyler and Kristen's place... and then it snowed :) See!!!

This is what it looked like yesterday morning. First snow of the season, was nice to be a part of witnessing it. We only where there for about 16 hours, but it was great to hang out, see the place, and enjoy more time with Kristen (and Tyler). Headed back to Arcata yesterday, and am now back to the desk at work... and wondering again, how I will be plotting to get out of here next... : ) Until that plot is formulated, I must get back to work... more posts soon, I am determined to get back on a regular routine, that and catch up on the said 182* blog posts I need to catch up on)  *after going through once and marking read to ones off topic or uninteresting...

Time for fall coats on the West Coast

Its finally dropped in temperature enough, its time, the coats are coming out... and I am excited, simply because I got a few back in Spring when they where on Sale after season, and a few recently that I have hung up and waited for the moment to bring them out on time, and trying not to jump the gun. Did you jump the gun? What is your key sign its time to bring the fall items out?

Well I made it! And here is one of the lovelies! I have had a black peacock and always wanted a colored one (the few purchased this year are all different colors!) and here was one on sale for Tulle in August! Its adorable, and I love it. As always with Tulle, very well constructed and made to last a long time.

I was not so sure about the length of the sleeves when I purchased it, but it was such a steal of a deal and a great looking coat that I decided to try it, and boy am I happy. With the half sleeves I have figured out its easier to deal with. I can wear it at work and not feel like the sleeves are getting in the way of typing. Also I always find myself pushing sleeves of jackets up anyways to about my elbow to get them out of the way.. so it just works better then I expected, which is always wonderful!

 Love this dress, and I am pretty sure I have shown you guys this combo before so I won't bore you with more gushing, but I still love it and will keep it around for awhile.

BUT I AM JUST IN LOVE WITH THE COAT!!!!

coat - Tulle

dress- Tulle

belt - Target

boots - Route 66

purse - garage sale find

I will be heading up to Portland tomorrow morning, so excited! I have never been there and I have had numerous people tell me they think I need to check it out. I will be running my 2nd  1/2 marathon on Sunday morning with my friend Kristen, and then heading over to Bend for a quick trip (where Kristen moved to) and then back to Arcata on Monday. Hopefully I can take some sweet pictures, outfit pictures even maybe in Portland, I have Saturday to explore, and Sunday.. well we are going to get dumped on, so it might not be great picture taking, but I assume Tyler (Kristen's bf) will probably have a camera around, so maybe I will end up with a few decent ones to share! Have a lovely weekend, any big plans?

omg omg omg!!

So I am just mildly excited because I saw a sign for a clothing swap in Arcata!!!! On Sunday!! I am so giddy already... I really hope it goes well... we will see.... but I am really really excited :) :) :) :)

Run fast for your mother and fast for your father, run for your children for your sisters and brothers

Ok ok, I have waited long enough, sorry. Actually trying to get my life in order, catch up on sleep, figure out what I am doing, etc. Same ole same ole... BUT... I am so excited, you know those days where you just know how to add 1+1+1=3... in outfit terms? Well today was one of those days. Before I had it on, I knew it was a dynamite winner.

And as if I needed any confirmation about my outfit, our office manager is pretty attentive to outfits/work wear, not that she says anything when its a fail, and inappropriate, but she does make a point to say something when she sees something she likes, and according to her, its a "rocking outfit from top to bottom" : ) I'll take it!

Ah, and the boots, there they are, the lovely little things, flat bottom (tiny tiny wedge on them) they zip up on the inside, and they fit my calves, I know they don't look ginormous or anything, but they are bigger then your average 7.5 footed person apparently ("blame it" on the running)

I did end up getting a size 8, just because I figure in the winter I will want warmer socks and jeans and all that to fit in them and not be busting at the seams. I am happy with them.

I enjoy this outfit and I think I definitely will be wearing it again and again, but I did think that some of those fun design tights (the trendy ones right now) would be great, or just some thicker ones for when it does get colder...

Dress- Final Touch via consignment

Boots - American Eagle

Sweater - Elle via Kohls

In other news, I am chicken sitting (in addition to house and dog sitting) this weekend... I feel as though it could be an opportune time to catch some good documentation of me with the possibility of some high rated you tube video. I have no issues with chickens, and in general I am pretty happy that animals exist and give us food to eat, eat bugs and scraps, etc... I do tend to stay back and not try and control or direct animals though... so getting chickens in a coop at night might be quite entertaining... hmm I will report back, no video footage promises though.

Thank you and Please me?!

So this fabulous blogger Merl, makes incredible jewlery, as well as has a stock full of vintage... amazing, and now she is giving away $100 to her Esty store, count me in, and if you would like to take your chance at winning as well (so you can of course buy me something sweet! ; ) ) head on over to her blog and check out the entry rules. And if you aren't already following her, I suggest you do, for the outfits, the jewelry and her charming writing... Besides if you read my blog, well then you better be reading blogs that are far more on top of their shit... GO!

There you go making my heart beat again, heart beat again, heart beat again

I am not going to apologize, but I know I have been absent, I was house sitting and dog sitting since my last post, and trying to embrace the absence of Internet being around all the time. There is a beauty in being disconnected. I mean, not letting the rest of the world know your every waking move. I have a twitter, I don't use it, well I post something like once a year, I don't have it on my phone (I have a "dumb phone" in contrast to all these smart phones everyone has). And I think sometimes there is a lot to be there for just living your life. I actually have found that those times when I am happiest, and busiest (the two go together in my world) I am on the computer and Internet less. So when you don't hear from me as much, its most likely a good sign... most of the time

Someone pointed out to me recently that they thought I was a creature of habit... My first thought is "no"... I think about it and I do have a method to how I live my life, how I make decisions, how I choose my actions. do I have habits,sure. Do I choose locations, trips, etc in a repetitive comfortable habit.. no. I don't think so anyways...

I def. do best under pressure, under short deadlines, with things that are a bit of a challenge, but that are within my scope to handle. I am fairly terrified of the unknown, and I am a Planner, by Career, by personal lifestyle. I don't know if that is a creature of habit, but maybe a creature of planning?

shirt - rue 21

button up - target?

jeans - 7's via consignment

wedges - Steve Madden via cosignment (promise I'll change up the shoes soon)

It sometimes is my downfall, holds me back. But I have taken jumps in life, and just realized it will work out how its suppose to. Of course I have most likely weighted out the pro's and con's, and have a Plan B if it fails. I wish I could live with no Plan B, however financial burden has stepped in and required I don't completely live a "free" lifestyle.

I know I come back from SF, to this place I dislike, I mean I don't hate it, I hate that I am "stuck" here for the time being. If I could truly have a job lined up, or my debts in order to go without a Plan B for awhile, I would, but I need to stay put, build the resume, save money, pay down debt. There is a plan (of course there is a plan). Unfortunately, I still like to whine and complain because the timeline is not as short as I would prefer. However, I have come to realize I am one of those people that know what I really want (well most of the time) and have never really been given the easy in, I have always had to work extra hard, with delayed gratification for things... normally waiting a year or two (mostly two) to get to where I want to be.

(and in optimistic fashion..) I have learned that I cherish these things, places, people a whole hell of a lot more if I just got handed them. If I just got into the college I wanted, if I just got the job I wanted where I wanted. And you know what, I don't fail completely out, but I have had to work hard, take what I am given, and make it work to get me to where I want to be... I wanted to go to Cal Poly THAT BAD. And you know what, I got there, I went somewhere else, I transferred, I got GE's done well, I applied, I got in, I worked hard, and I graduated in 5 years (which is actually "normal" for cal poly, and I transferred in). I want to be some place, but I am somewhere else. I am working, expanding my experience, setting myself up for when this G)@ D*#! economy turns around enough that there are planning jobs. I am networking as much as possible, and I am keeping my head up.

Now I just need someone to refine my resume to refocus it again, I have so many many resumes in my files, I think I just need a person that focuses on resumes to help me develop a solid focused few (such as one for transportation planning jobs, one for public sector, one for private/design) If I had these, I think I could at least be more confident in sending them off. Grant it I have had some calls, a few interviews, but no offers.

Time will tell, after all "everything is ok in the end, if its not ok, then its not the end"

( I really got off on a tagent today, I really want to share the few snap shots I took at the conference... tomorrow I guess... oh and boots! I finally bought a pair of black flat boots!)

My heart stops when you look at me, just one touch....

Hi, I know, it has been a whole week, I didn't post while in SF, I didn't even really have much internet connection at all actually.. and I loved it. I love not missing it, I love having to walk down to the coffee shop to get a beer or coffee to use the internet.. ok, maybe if I lived there I wouldn't, but that city relaxes me, I enjoy figuring out public transit, I get gitty when it works, I love to walk around through the different districts, and I love how I fit in, not because I look like I belong in the crowd, but b/c well anyone and everyone almost looks like they are in the crowd there. It is San Francisco.

I had a wonderful time at the conference, many inspiring movers and shakers, many great topics. Lots of connections to be made, and a few familiar faces in the crowd as well. Hope and glimmer of things actually getting better, jobs in the future, confirmation that I am on the right path and I am doing the right things where I am at (whether it is just a nice gesture, or the truth, is yet to be seen). Got to spend time with good friends, new friends, and no one at all,can you tell... I am in love...

with a freakin' City of over 750,000 people.. *sigh. oh San Francisco....

Now I am back in Arcata... the place is beautiful.. but its Rural... it Rural and isolated (not the same) and I am yearning to get to an Urban core hub, experience and live all these things I learned about it school.

I had a girl stop me this weekend while I was just browsing in a store and ask if I was from SF, I replied I "I wish" and she proceeded me to just do it, really, just go for it, find a job, any job, and get to the city, and then find another job to make it work, a better job, and just keep going...

I have to admit I am a bit stubborn, I want to believe I can do it, that it will work, I want to believe that I am a good person and good things happen to good people, and that it would all work out, but I also have someone gotten to this point where I don't think I can make it work, that I will get there and it will fail, I will fail, it won't work out, and I will spend my life waiting tables in a late night diner, and serving coffee to the crowd in the jobs I wanted and lost all my brain power and intelligence for...

That probably sounds ridiculous, but I am putting it out there, because that is the honest truth. I know people just jump into things they really want, when they want them  that bad, but I know it would be better if I waited a little longer, I know that I would have a little bit more saved up, I know that I would have more debt paid down. But do I wait?? is 6 more months intolerable here? Do I just go for it so I stop bitching about how much I hate where I am, even though I am gaining good experience (up for debate, but on the resume it looks nice)??

I am in love with a City, will the City take care of me? Or will I get there and it change its mind, will I regret not staying here another few months... Do I hold out and celebrate big on my 25th birthday and make that the moving date to SF??

ok, time to breathe, I am going for a run... don't worry, I am only in this funk for a few days, and I am sure my Board meeting will bring me back to earth this evening... I hope.. its good at bringing me to earth and keeping the dreams wandering and alive, its going to be my only sanity for awhile.. bring on planning a conference, that will make me feel useful for sure.