Heathers relationship shpeal Part II

If you are still at all interested in my relationship-life, or lack there of... this is Part II of the shpeal...

Another point I have leaned on while being in Arcata and single and not particularly looking here, is that I am not happy with where I am at geographically, so I do not see the point in trying to find or start a relationship in a place I am not happy in solo, and starting a relationship in a place I do not want to be, does not seem to be a great plan to me, to dependent for my own happiness on a relationship,

Is this logical?

Also, after the last long distance disaster, I have been very very hesitant to even think of doing anything long distance, especially with no determination of what I want to do and where I want to go.

I have been so unsettled geographically, that I just decided when I moved up here that temporarily love would just been on the back burner. I have wonderful people around me that have supported me and be ever encouraging that I am doing the right thing being where I am now (career and life wise).

But lets get real, I am in my mid twenties (wow, mid twenties, damn it I don't know when I got old), single, and told by many of my friends, a great person that, if they where a guy, or a lesbian, would date and marry me in a heartbeat... unfortunately that isn't even remotely realistic.

So really being located in a place that lacks in the remotely good looking, motivated, and determined men category (yes, I am executing a broad generalization knowingly, and you can't fight me on it until you come see for yourself).

Feel free to skip the next italicized part if you know my struggle with work here, otherwise it might be some little insight help...

I am here in Arcata for work experience, I am further my resume to get to a place I want to be in life, and considering the economic state of the state, and country, I am thankful for work in the field straight out of college and have no room to bitch and complain about (although I do). I am not here because this is where I really wanted to be post college, its because I am biting the bullet and getting down and dirty for the betterment of myself... or something like that, it is what I remind myself almost daily. I know I need to set an end date, and honestly I feel like the "safe date" to pick is my birthday, for so many reasons (other then weather) it make sense. I want it to be sooner, but it scares me, anything sooner seems too soon, although I am just extending the stay through miserable weather by doing that... enough about my professional life interrupting my relationship life, although a key detail, not an excuse, back to the story of my terrified-ness.

That being said, that is a very very long time to go, in your prime, without really dating or trying and learning from relationships (roughly 2 years). I know this, and I am not one to just be in a relationship to be in one, I really am fine alone, I know I can do it, I have done it a lot. I have had minor success at being friendly and flirtatious once I have a drink or two in me, and honestly the only kissing I have done in the 2 years of anyone, has involved more then a drink or two... which hey, happens, I know that, but to be the only time I get comfortable enough in my own skin to have a real engaging discussion with someone I don't know that I am attracted to, and to be brave enough myself to go in for a kiss... that to me seems like something a 24 1/2 year old should have conquered, NO? When I do go out for a crazy night (which really haven't been planned, a whole nother multi post discussion probably, I blame the Irish in me) or go visit friends in a City I tend to be the radiant wonderful, exciting, intriguing Heather I am and love being. I know there is probably some psychological doing that makes this happen, that if you are happy, people want to be around you, and I am happy when I am anywhere but here, especially in a larger city, or at least talking to someone from a larger city, where I want to be, a long distance person.

The two times this has happened in the last two years, in different context and degrees, this had lead to polite text streams of conversation the next day and the next few weeks and months in the way of I want to see you again, giving me the control, the control I have so well avoided to this point in my life, to invite them to come see me. I have pretty much shot it down in the past,  freaking out "why would someone travel that f-ing far to see me" that just doesn't make sense thoughts in my head (which gets back to self worth, value, blah blah blah) but really... if they want to travel here, I suppose I should let him and stop thinking and just enjoy, right???....

Now, this has only really happened twice ever, but both in the past 2 years, in different ways and context (although similar with alcohol being involved) and with many many varying details as well (actually the only similarities are that I was being bought many drinks I did not deny, they gave me a peck, I went for another, exchange numbers and a I would like to see you again at some point... similarities end there, and vary within degrees as well)

But the point is that I realize and know that I am very resistant as a person to letting anyone any, especially people I do not know well, and especially people that do not live in the county as me, is that fair?

This more recent encounter I am trying to not run from, to not shut down, to at least be open to the idea of just enjoying company and that, heaven forbid, someone is highly interested in me and possible put forth more effort then I am at the moment. (I know that sounds ridiculous, and I swear I have self confidence).

I am trying to face myself, so many people don't, and I am really hoping that figuring myself out (on all levels) will make me a happier person overall. It made me realize something about my self (which is always a good thing) that I already knew but didn't see/want to admit, I am a runner, in more then just the work out kind of runner, I am Irish, I challenge everything, work hard, am very competitive, and I don't talk about things when they bother me much and I kinda shut the world out when I am sad, its who I am, and the fact that I am learning more and more it is genetic in one way or another, gives me some assurance, but its still something I want to overcome, and need to overcome to some extent. I can't always run, and running doesn't solve everything always.

Have you had this same epiphany before? Is it just me?

I don't even know if what all I am talking about is the right way to phrase it, I am not so graceful with my writing and words as some, which has been the reason I stick to broad topics mostly and not things like relationship, b/c well, I don't want what I say to be mis-construed, such as the above touchy topic, but this is a blog I started to be honest, to document, to be able to just throw my thoughts out there, and to be able to reflect on later, maybe others would want to read it, give me advice, maybe no one and I would be with my thoughts alone... this is the crazy that happens in my head, so in today's state of mind I feel like sharing it and getting it out there, so it won't bother me anymore. This is my blog, and I am going to say what I want..

right? Do you write about everything bothering you on your blog?

I mean, I think everyone censors to a degree, I censor even these topics, but just approaching them like this is a big step for me.. hope I haven't scared you away with the craziness... I promise to wrap this up tomorrow.

more later, this is plenty enough heavy topic discussion..