heathers relationship shpeal

Some days you just have more to say then others.

Today (or rather yesterday, by the time this is actually posted) is/was one of them.

First things first before the shpeal takes over, wohoo underdog baseball teams for making it to the World Series, should be a fun thing to watch!

Now onto the womens brain mind boggle talk... 

Maybe it is long car trips, or just traveling to a new place, or truly pushing my body when it really did not want to go any more. Or meeting new people, meeting people that are interested to know you, and possibly that that person (or people sometimes) being male.

I do not talk much about my relationship life on here. Mostly because, well, it has been very non-existent the past year or two. Truth be told, I have not been in a relationship in nearly two years now.  Why, you ask, most people ask, it is not because I haven't been meeting people, or trying to meet people. Simply stated I am terrified (this is a hard pill to swallow, to admit your faults, but that is how you move forward right?).

I was hurt, pretty badly the last time I really let someone in to my life, and I was never actually apologized to. I was in a relationship with being in a relationship is how I come away with it, the other person was someone that didn't know how to be in a relationship, they wanted to know how, but didn't know how, and happen to be selfish enough to just take me along for the ride for a couple months before finally feeling guilty enough (or my true guess is having someone threaten to tell me, well I like to think that anyways) to tell me that it "wasn't working out" (I am being kind here, and you really don't want to know all the nitty gritty details).

After that I slowly put the pieces together that should have, and actually if we are brutally honest, did warn me, many months prior. After a relationship like that, I was exhausted. (I also was thankful distracted by focusing on getting ready to graduate and finish up senior and real life projects, opening the coffee shop at 5:30 am (part of my self-treatment was volunteering to open 4 days a week) as well as having pneumonia for 6 months). 

I have been busy, I have been trying to figure out me after that, rebuild myself, figure out what it is I want out of life, where I want to go, what I will stand for, and what I must have to be happy, in relationship, in love, in life, and to figure out why I let that relationship get the way it did, because the Heather I knew, would have walked away at the first sign, instead of letting it slide and turning a blind eye, believing the lies to my face. 

As a good Catholic Irish girl I was raised and taught how life worked, you grow up, do well in school, you are a good person, you will find a boy that respects and loves you (easy as cake of course), get married, get a house, have kids... and live happily ever after. Luckily I have figured out that this is not real life, and life includes a lot more a long the way to those things, if I really want all of those things at all. I really value that that is not how it all goes, but at moments I wish, as all 'little' big girls wish, that it was that easy sometimes...

sorry to break up the story, but this is long enough for one day of reading... more tomorrow.