WTF?

Maybe it was the long weekend, maybe it is lent starting and me trying to not go on facebook ( I do it without thinking, its ridiculous), maybe it was the rough interview this evening (actually I know thats what set me off)

Now I am ok with my job, its not great, but its a learning process, and a good place to learn... but its not fine tuned to what I want to be doing in life, so I think. So I have reached out and tried to get involved with activities in the community related to what I want to be doing (I think) such as wantting to be involved with Plan it Green, a local sustainability conference in its 3rd or 4th year running, and I applied for the energy committee for the City of Arcata. Now I had applied for a temp position with the Redwood Coast Energy Authority back in October and was rejected ( Math skills didn't fair so well in the energy conversion problems they had me do as part of the interview) and figured, lets give it another go... well interviewed with the City Council today... and babbled on... not confident, not focused... and in-front of the same people...

Grant it I am not an engineer, I am not some crazy scientist and I feel as though I lack the knowledge of the math and science behind it (the nitty-gritty math and science of it) to be able to gain respect for these positions. And I sit at this cross road going, I am not truelly motivated in my current position to excel, I am not pushed to exceed, I do not have a good mentor to teach me and help me realize my accomplishments and my knowledge for the subject area.... I feel stupid and like I didn't learn anything in school. Now I know I did, and I know I am not a engineer and shouldn't expect anyone to think I am. But when you are interviewing with people that are engineers and envir. scientists, its hard to impress them. I talk like a normal person, I am not a brainiac, I am not a politician, I just want to make life better and easier for others around me... I have been applying for job in my field, continually getting told I don't have quiet enough, but good luck. I know the economy is bad, I know the job market is shitty for everyone... but seriously I could make twice as much money being an admin. assistant. And you know what, I think I would be confident in what I was doing, and feel like I was helpful, and I would be financially more secure. Yet for some reason mentally I have issues... I feel like if I drop from City Planning into an admin. position, thats it, and I could succeed at that, but would I be happy... I could be, I would end up being able to be involved with things outside of work and be more passionate about areas of interest without beating a dead horse.

Did I go to college to be an administrative assistant, and office staff person? So what if I didn't, and I went through the whole thing, and I have friends that are accountants and engineers and successful planners. I feel like I would be failing myself. But do many professionals do the same thing I do... get the degree, the recognition that is ever so important in our society, and then realize they simply want to do good. When do you realize you just want to be good at your job, and not be the best, the most amazing person in the field. When do you say, I want to be proud, have something to show for it... and live comfortably.

Maybe it is just the office I am in, the environment that does not foster growth, does not foster mentoring or any type of true encouragement and structure. But how do you get out a position like that, when you go to an interview and go, yeah I would like to get back into what I want to do, I have been doing Planning, but don't really have anything passionate about it to show you or to be proud of....

Sorry, rambling... but need to get that out... basically I feel like I have no idea what I really want to do for the rest of my life.. I know I want to be around family and friends, and I know I do not want to depend on someone else to take care of me (although a relationship would be nice- a good one) But WTF.... WTF have I been doing, WTF am I doing, and when and how do I think I will be able to get to where I want to be....