such a long weekend

Hello all, so I have been mia this whole week b/c i was driving to and from Murrieta, so basically the whole state of california and back again. I had a family friend wedding to go to. and frankly I just haven't been home since January, so my mom was antz to see me, grant it, i was ready to go home too. So I headed out, stopped in SLO and picked up some black gladiator heals I probably won't wear for a long while, but my friend Becca was selling off some heals and well, I only ended up with one pair, so thats not so bad.

Got home, gosh how good is it to be home, I know the fun soothing part would wear off if i stayed longer, but I start to miss the place... AND THE WEATHER!!! OMG, its actually summer somewhere, like shorts and a t-shirt, i got color, not by most peoples standard, but i'm not pasty white, now i'm just ivory pasty white....

sooo heres the current gut wrenching feelings.... I headed back up yesterday and arranged to stop at my friend *bob's for the night b/c well, he lives in SF, and its always good to see him(for my own sanity, we are changing names) Now Bob and I have been friends for a few year, but have always been in different cities for well, probably about 90% of that time.

but Bob has been there for me for some tough stuff, stuff a boy shouldn't have to deal with, but he did, nobly... well recently I asked about stopping in and staying later in july for my big race and I didn't hear back from him, which is slightly odd for Bob, mostly b/c sometimes it takes a few days, but he gets back... no reply, so whichever, I figure there are some plans that haven't been finalized, doesn't know, can't commit to it, not a huge deal, although I prefer to stay there b/c of its location and b/c they get the odd race concept and I just plane feel comfortable at the place. So I made other plans about a month ago figuring if at the last minute Bob and co. (roomamates) decided they would be around, they'd probably be fine with me staying there, but back up plan is good, i don't want to sleep in the streets of SF before running 26 miles.

I then mentioned a week or two ago that I could really use a couch to crash on this weekend since I was driving so far... said sure we could make it work out.

Get there yesterday and just hanging out, Bob's roommate takes off to the gf's house for the evening, so we are just chillin, and honestly I am dead, b/c I have driven so much and been keeping up with running (in the heat, 12 miles, go me) then comes the wrencher,.... Bob says, hey sorry I didn't get back to you about the marathon weekend, I am sorta seeing someone right now, so I don't know if its the best idea, so maybe see if you can find another place, and if you can't, i mean, we can make it work, but yeah. (btw, everyone always mentions the flirting that goes on between the two of us when ever we are around each other, however we have never discussed it, and I feel this is b/c, well, we haven't lived in the same place ever, but 10 weeks... so whats the point in even discussing it, its not worth the heart ache, so it just is what it is, and not talked about)

1. well, that kinda blows, but lets be realistic here, which I have been, and rational... the guys a great guy, and well... I am no where near there, even though I'd love to be in the City (bonus that he's there, I am truly infatuated with that City, and just ready for a large crowd of people in my age group) still not the greatest news you want to hear.

2. I don't understand why this means I can't sleep on the couch.

3. I behaved all to well, said that was fine, I understood, I figured something was up, so I had been poking around to see about another place to stay. And I didn't ask anything about her, nothing... I behaved. I mean, I will always like him, but a girl can behave and respect the situation, and honestly, I would rather have him in my life as a friend, then fuck it up and not have him there when I need him ever again.

We are now on the same page, I had to do it through text, b/c well some parts where probably small white lies, but really the truth was in there that i'm happy he's happy, I am, but Im not, you got me...

sooooo...... we are on the same page, friendship sorta stabilized I think, I mean, I guess you never really know... but I sure hope so.

After that I got to get up this morning and drive back to Arcata... which only leaves time to being alone and thinking in the car.... and then I got going...

Totally not his fault, but I feel like I am cursed, like now I will probably get a job in the City, in oh, the next few months (which honestly would be great despite the could be awkward tension now developing) just like the time i dated a guy that went off to college and then when i finally got to the same City (believe it or not, again, b/c I was in love with the City) he had started seeing someone about a month before I got there... and me being the person I was, said, you know what... if you need to date the, date them, I didn't come just to get back together with you, and if its meant to be, it will work out anyways. (which was the truth, even though part of me was just comfortable with him, so that bites, but whatever, don't want to be with someone that isn't sure, you know, oh and btw, they are now engaged and I am sooo glad they are happy, and I was able to grow and figure out myself in college, life would have been way way way different had it gone "the way I wanted it to")

Anyhow I feel like I am on repeat...

the honest truth is I like people that I actually like as friends,and for some reason this tends to happen more so in transitional times, when someone is moving, leaving, unsure of where life will end up... and I don't want to loose that friend I have, and its hard to be supportive and somewhat saddened at the same time. I didn't expect him not to date, not to go out and meet great people, he is a great person and deserves that, and I mean, we are not dating b/c well, we know it just isn't fair, wouldn't work, and I feel (i'd like to think he thinks the same, but who knows) that obviously there is some crazy plan, and if we are meant to have anything other than our good friendship and attraction to each other, well then, wouldn't one think you would be able to be geographically near one another... and who knows what will happen down the line... life never seises to surprise anyone, so you never know.

I just feel like I need help, like maybe I need to go to a psych. or something... I mean, I just need a life coach or something. I know the economy is shit right now, but getting better, and I know I am doing a great job doing what I am doing, but when I get down to it...

I have no idea where the F I truly really want to be, or what I will be happy doing, people say they think i would like portland, but then I know SF and have lots of friends around there, My family is all in So Cal, I have moved all my life, every 4 years or so, I don't know any different. I think its why I get so attached to people and try and hold on and fear being "left behind" or "forgotten about", and I have no idea and fear I won't have "home".

I know I over think, over analyze, but thats how my head works, and todays events just triggered it, I did well with high school and college, there is a plan, a schedule, you do A,B, C, and then you get to D, but know that I am "a grown up" I am lacking a plan, I don't know whats right, where I belong.

I love slo and it just felt so good to be back, SF is a new huge playground with many people looking to meet people and hang out and grow a career... my family is down south, my mom misses me terribly, my sister is getting married next year, my dad is in kabal right now... and I am completely turned off from going anywhere where I dont know anyone, I think I have gotten sick of it, I mean, I learn alot, get to see new places and meet knew people, but I want comfortable, I want to live down the street from my best friends, I know I can't go back to college, and I don't want all of it, I just want a few close friends close by, and I think I would be fine...

ugh... enough for a night, any suggestions or wisdom would be greatly appreciated if you are still reading ; )