You are your own worst enemy

So until recently I have never been one to live with a scale around, or really full length mirrors, now that I think about it.. Maybe this has been why, until recently I kinda have tried, and not been a complete disaster, but never really been about actually really worried about my size... I still don't dwell on it, and believe its not about that number (especially as someone that has a good amount of muscle on me whenever I work out, you can't go off that number, the "weight" you look really does not account for the difference in fat to muscle weight, at least not on women)

With this being said, and the fact that I trained for my full marathon a few weeks ago. I have gotten on the topic with my friend Kristen on runs... the idea of knowing what you really actually look like... in contrast to what you think you look like. (Probably spurred from the fact that I sport some pretty short shorts to run in now, that I am getting use to wearing, but I still find them uncomfortable and worry about what my butt looks like while I am running in them, thinking no one deserves to have to see that...but recently realizing they do not look half bad)

It is always an interesting topic, what you feel like you weigh, what others think you look like you weigh, and what you really weigh... they can be completely different numbers, even though you are all "looking" at the same thing.

I have always felt like I am the same person, and being a little person really was never that. My friend Mika told me a while ago in a discuss "tiny people don't really think they are tiny"... I still do not think I am tiny... I mean I'm not, right??? (perhaps it is me he is talking about.. hmmm, I can dream?)

I fight with myself, I just think I am normal, I run a lot, but I eat a lot. I am not trying to reshape my body, b/c frankly, then I get stressed and obsessed and it all backfires b/c of the stress and worrying about it. I do have moments where I catch myself in the mirror, and go... huh, I am kinda tiny there aren't I... but things seem to fit the same, hang the same on me... and I still feel like my butt is un-proportionally large and will never be small.

I do no think I am fat. I just do not see the difference on me that others see, I'll see the scale one day read upwards of 7-10 pounds more than other days... I know its based on what I have been eating, water weight, etc but I don't see it noticeably on my body, I can't tell you where this 7-10 pounds is, and where it goes from when I lose it. Which in turn makes me wonder if its worth it...if I can not tell, why does it matter?!

I know I feel and look healthier, and my insides are happy about the changes, and I there are many many benefits you can not see.  I just find it so interesting that when you live with yourself, its harder to notice changes that are continual, like weight,  that aren't over night "BAM zit in the middle of your forehead" changes.

I feel like this same conflict of self happens with growth in your ability to learn and work with people. One day someone points out that you explained something to them in a way they have never heard it, and it is much more compelling in the way you explained it. Which, to you,  is the way you have "always" talked about something, and how you just see it as it is... But a self-revelation in itself.

Top - gift

vest - kohls

jeans - 7's

wedges - thrifted xhiliration

I know that I am always going to be growing and learning into my own, that most times I will find something I want different about my body, imperfections, and personally and professionally, but really you just have lived with yourself so long you do not notice it... it takes a brick wall or world shattering event to make you realize the change.

And I have come to realize people comment on good outfits, good acts of kindness, good deeds, big or small, far too often in today's world. I do go out of my way to say thank you, recognize those that add to something  to a project, or my life, or have done something great for their life... It really is the little things that make the biggest difference and give people the confidence to face the world, and their own worst enemy when it gets the best of them.

I always find it interesting how grateful and touched people feel when you compliment them on anything, weird, as you really think this would be common practice and could make the world a happier, more confident place to be.

(Disclaimer: I know I am looking healthier, I mean, I was frail from having pneumonia for 10 months, and living a ridiculous college lifestyle the 4 years prior to that as well, but I still don't see any "earth shattering" changes, and am normal Heather, no worries about me and my weight, it is what it is as I see it)